Its been a tough day today,didnt start out well I suppose because I was up from 1am...for a change it wasnt with Seraphina.On the contrary it was me...horrible vivid flashbacks of her traumatic birth,then the ventilation at 4 months,seeing her turn deep blue and rescusitating her...just loads of images that wouldnt go away,like I was replaying it all in my mind all over again. Made me feel so totally sick.I know why this has started again...its aways the same before she has surgery...Im not as bad as I used to be though,it used to be that every time I heard a siren and saw an ambulance with lights flashing I would just go cold and want to cry.Now its not so much.
Anyway then out of the blue I had a phonecall from the neurology specialist who has agreed to take over as Seri's local consultant.She had her notes in front of her and we had a long chat about the fact that I had a long list of symptoms but no diagnosis for Seri.She then went on to explain (very nicely) that Seraphina had Cerebral Palsy but generally neurologists dont like using that term as its so broad and so instead just deal with the separate conditions such as stiffness, developmental delay etc etc.
I have to say that during this conversation I felt physically faint,like I was going to pass out.I think it was just that on the one hand you have your suspicions but when someone actually confirms them then it suddenly seems so 'real' in a wierd kind of way.
Literally 5 mins after that conversation the speech and Language therapist and the Community Nurse turned up.........that was the most surreal thing,just having these appointments and chatting about possible extensions to the house to accomodate a downstairs bedroom and bathroom and that Seri may need a hoist eventually.I could hear myself speaking but as if from a distance,like an onlooker instead of a participant.freaky.
I still dont think its sunk in,I know it hasnt I suddenly have a thousand questions.....WILL she walk,talk even eat like other people?.Will she be able to look after herself? Ultimately only time will tell I guess but i so feel the need to know NOW, at least that she'll do ok.
and ultimately WHAT IF Id managed to keep her inside a little longer?,what if my body had done what it was supposed to?...................................I feel I have let her down.