Thursday, 18 September 2008

5 January 2007
Maybe I'm losing it .I just feel constantly tired and my emotions are all over the place.Been on my antiatal club and everyone is getting ready for their babies,decorating nursery and generally getting excited...something I didnt get chance to do and dont really feel I can now because everything is so uncertain.I did pluck up the courage to order a beautiful white crib from Gremany today which will come with Seraphinas name on it.....and now spending the rest of the day upset and stressing incase something happens to her and she never gets the chance to lie in it!.I feel so cheated that I had my baby early,this is the last baby too and I wanted it to be special,instead I feel like my pregnancy was taken from me.Everyone else celebrates the birth of a baby with cards and gifts etc etc...I had one card this time which wasnt even a birth congratulations card,just a note saying they were thinking of other cards,flowers or gifts at all like with all my others. Do people think shes not worth it or something. Even my own mother said she hadnt sent a card because there wasnt anything to celebrate! It all just seems to compound the guilt I feel as if Ive done something wrong.The only bit of joy I have had is my dear friend Claire from a previous antenatal club made an adorable little baby gro for her and also sent some other prem clothes for her :-) everyone else has just completely ignored the fact Ive even had a baby!I probably sound like a right bitch but its just that you have hopes and dreams of an ideal pg and wonderful birth (I was going to cut the cord this time as Ive never done it!) and visualise you coming home feeling proud with your little baby and instead its like living a nighmare from day to day,while your baby struggles to survive and there is NOTHING you can do to change any of it.I soo miss feeling my little bub kicking away inside me and I am SOO jealous of every pg woman I see with a beautiful expanding bump Sorry this has turned into so much of a moan.Am going in this evening to see my angel,just hope for some good news...if I dont post it will be because we've had another set back and I hate all the struggles you are going through.

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