13 February 2007
Just feels like everything is being thrown at us at once this week.First of all Seris brain scan is abnormal,still dont know how etc as they still need to talk to the consultant,she also has a pronounced heart murmur again...they think its probably the PDA opened up again and have told me that its unlikely that drugs will work this time as she is 2.5 months and so they are looking at surgery,reflux wise she is awful still only being treted with gaviscon which is a total joke and I have said so.she needs Domperidone whith the desats and sickin episodes shes having and FINALLY today I have been told she has ROP (retinopathy of Prematurity) which in extreme cases can mean blindness.I dont know what grade yet but am led to believe its grade 3 at this stage.Hubby has just gone in to find out whats going on as i have been in hospital all day waiting for the consultant to come accross from WAlsgrave to see her but she didnt turn up!grrrr!I have watched her go blue-grey and floppy in my arms so many times over the last 2 days and each time I feel totally distraught as they turn her oxygen up and she doesnt respond for longer and longer.They snatched her out of my arms today and were rubbing her vigourously to get her going again...I wanted to scream out loud,instead its a silent scream inside as my heart breaks to see her struggling so much.She will soon be 3 months old...and still no nearer to coming home.She wasnt strong enough to breast feed today and doesnt really seem to 'get it' when I do try.Still all I can do is keep expressing.I have decided not to go in tomorrow morning,I came home this evening absolutely shattered (the fact that I have been bleeding for 12 weeks isnt helping)and feeling sick with exaustion and stress.I will spend some time with the others and go in later on.I just know I cant keep this up when I am not well myself even though if i could I would be there every single minute of the day.I hate leaving her but at the same time I know I can do nothing.Keep fighting my little angel I love you so much I think my heart will break if this seperation goes on for too much longer.I pray that God will help you overcome these difficulties you are facing at the moment and give me the strength to keep going and supporting you through it all.I love you ,I love you I love you (((HUGS)))Mummy xx