24 January 2007
I want my baby home!Have had such a bad day today,not been feeling at all positive and everywhere I look seems to be women with new babies.Seraphina is 8 weeks old (almost) and all i can think about is the time with her that i have lost.Couldnt bring myself to phone the unit today until 5pm as I was so scared that I would receive yet more bad news.when i eventually did phone I didnt get any results so still dont know whats going on.I miss my baby so much.I am getting SO sick of expressing milk every 3-4 hours and I KNOW logically that its the best I can do for her etc etc but HONESTLY...most new mums have the pleasure of their newborns snuggling into them and are able to stroke their soft heads and smell that lovely newborn smell as they suckle .Me,I get the plastic artificalness of a breat pump and the impersonal sound of an alarm waking me instead of the cry of my baby. I AM SICK OF IT!!!I WANT to be able to cuddle her and feel her soft skin against mine,I want to be able to pick her up when I want instead of having to ask for permission.I want to feel like shes my baby instead of 'on loan' for the time I go in.I want to feel like I have given birth instead of feeling the grief that one would normally associate with miscarriage.I guess I still grieve for the pregnancy that never was,that was terminated before its time.I must sound so over emotional.I guess its the glass of wine I have had this evening which is enabling me to let these feelings out....what a lightweight eh !Most of the time its easier to just get on with it all and not think about how I am feeling.David has gone in to see Seri tonight as i couldnt get a babysitter and Joseph is hyper as its his birthday tomorrow.Hes 9...cant believe the time has gone so quickly.Well I suppose i better go... breast pump calls...again!