2 January 2007
well christmas and new year have been very different this year.Christmas day we all went to Church and then I came back and cooked Christmas dinner before we all went over the the Unit to see you darling.It was bitter sweet really as on the one hand it was lovely the way the staff had all gone to the trouble of putting up your stocking for Santa to fill,but also sad because in all our celebrations you were missing and it was especially hard leaving you behind when it was time to go.However on the plus side I did have a lovely Christmas day cuddle with you,gave you a kiss and whispered in your ear how much I loved you and missed you before they put you back in your incubator.New year was pretty much the same.We went out to dinner and got a phone call from the hospital just as we had sat down saying that you were a bit wobbly today and having quite major desaturations.The consultant had been trying to get hold of us to arrange a meeting.he wants to talk about the drugs you are on at the moment.They have started you on Frusimide which is a diuretc as you have fluid building up on your lungs and the result of that is they have had to increase your sodium chloride levels as they had dropped.To this date you have had 5 blood transfusions and apparently you are on other stuff too,one of the drugs being Caffiene to reduce the amount of apnoeic episodes you are having.On a sad note you are no longer tolerating coming off CPAP and onto nasal prongs at all,which you were doing before and you wont even let the nurses reduce the amount of pressure you are having from CPAp.Another sign that you are becoming dependant on the machines to help you breathe.We have already now been told that you will definitely have Chronic lung disease but how badly we dont know at this stage.On a positive note though last night they rang us to tell us that your weight had increased to 2lb1oz!!!! we were overjoyed as you really need to put on some weight to help you develop but we were being pressured a bit to let them re-fortify your breast milk,something we didnt want to do as you,like your brothers and sisters seem to be sensitive to the milk proteins in them.Your Consultant at home didnt want you to have been exposed the them in the first place but it was done without our knowledge grr!Unfortunately I wot be able to go to the meeting tomorrow at 12pm as I have picked up a nasty cold and so dont want to tke those germs into the unit so DAddy is going to talk to the COnsultant and fight your corner LOL! and he is on strict instructions to tell Mummy about it straight away!!I went in yeaterday to see you and had a lovely cuddle again...you are developing some chubby little cheeks and you gave me a lovely smile...well it was probably wind but you loked REALLY cheeky with little dimples each side of your mouth.This was as they were trying to get you to have a CPAP dummy (the tinyest dummyyou have ever seen!) and every time they put it in your mouth you would wait till the nurse turned her back and then push it straight back out with your tongue LOL!I can see we are going to have a really cheeky little monkey on our hands when you come home!When you come home...it seems so far away now,i sometimes even darent hope that it will be a reality.At times like this the complete helplessness I feel is overwhelming.I wish I could DO something to get you better.I try and console myself with the fact that I am doing all I can by expressing milk every 3 hours for you. I still feel SOOO guilty and such a failure that I couldnt do what every woman is supposed to be able to do by nature....nurture her child and keep it safe for 40 weeks,and the result of that is the struggle that you now face,like I have put you there and am the cause of your pain.If only things could have been different....But this isnt healthy thinking and I repeatedly try and push away the feelings of failure.If love alone could have kept you inside me then it would have done.I love you with every fibre of my being and my heart is yours precious little one.I pray that you will make it and come home but at the same time I treasure each moment ,thank God for the time that I have with you and try to encapsulate the memory of the feel of your cheek against mine and your hand gripping my finger.When I come home from the hospital each evening I breathe in the scent of you from the little clothes sent home to wash...silly I know but a way to feel closer to you.Anyway thats all for now as the tears are starting to fall again just writing this and thinking about how much I miss you.Hopefully tomorrow will bring positive news from your consultant.Good night darling