This post is very personal to me, but I wanted to share this part of the journey to hold myself accountable and so that , if anyone else out there goes through the same thing either now or in the future, that something of what I say may help.
My Children are my world,I love them utterly, completely and nothing they could ever do or say will change that.
I love them so much that the thought of one day losing one of them has been more recently more than I could bear.
Its not yet a year since Seraph had her formal diagnosis of Rett syndrome and in that year I dont feel that as a family we have had tme to draw breath before the next hospital visit or the next piece of bad news or crisis.
It has taken its toll on all of us.
For me it has thrown me more recently into a state of exaustion and..yes I will admit it depression. I am admitting this becuase I am through with being not completely honest.Purely because of distance it has meant that hospital decisions have been mine alone to make, no fault of Davids, he has had more than enough to cope with being a father to our other 5 children and hold down a full time and very demanding job.
My faith is very important to me but even that has been tested. I have looked into putting my trust elsewhere,other means of 'saving' my girl out of total desperation.
Believe me when I say all other means are futile.There is no magic answer. I have been so exeedingly stupid.
Today I have learnt that the only way I can save her and myself is to let her go. Gods care is more far reaching than mine,Gods power and love for her more powerful than mine.
The all consuming fear every time she gets poorly and stops breathing or starts fitting is made worse only because of my lack of trust in HIM who 'Is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine' (Eph 3:20)
Today I have asked for forgiveness. Im not going to say for one instant that 'yay, everything is going to be hunky dory now'.But what I am going to say is that I have made a decision...to Trust God with Seraphina and to Let Go.Something I havent ever before been able to do.
I dont know what the future holds...but I know who holds it.
I believe God knew I would come to this point...because He had already provided someone else apart from Him who understood my fears and who I have spoken to today. They know who they are and I thank God for them.
After I prayed initally...a piece of paper fell out of my Bible.I cant even remember copying it..but i felt it falling out at this moment quite apt.
I'll share it with you
Its called 'When all means fail' and is by someone called David Wilkerson
To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).
Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.
Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.
That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”
Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”
Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.
To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.''
Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world.
Part of My Baptism Verse..because God knew
'' For I believe that neither death nor life,noreangels nor principalities nor powers,nor things present nor things to come,nor height nor depth nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the Love of God which is in Christ Jesus Our Lord'' Romans 8:38-39