Monday, 23 May 2011

Biting the Bullet...

Im writing this post not even knowing whether it will make any coherent sense or indeed if I will even publish it.More from a need to write things let them come tumbling out randomly so that I can see them.

Im set out on a journey to find who I was a while back, as I mentioned in a previous post Iseem to have misplaced 'me'somewhere.
Well Im finding more and more the need or desire to do things I used to do years ago...writing, throwing pots on a potters wheel,taking photographs like I used to do and developing them,Painiting huge canvases with oils, singing and playing the flute.
I have never really realised how much being creative was a part of me and equally how much I had stifled it with the demands of being a parent.My life has been so wholely consumed with being a mother and caring for my children that I havent 'cared' for myself at all.
I feel so very selfish saying this and...yes...I admit it....guilt ridden. I dont know if I dare post this as I know many wonderful inspiring parents of children both special needs and not who seem to cope fine without doing this. But for me....its not enough

Please dont get me wrong, I LOVE my children  and they have taught and still teach me lots every day but....
I sat down and realised that if I died tomorrow....I haven't left a mark,nothing would be left behind.
....and I want to make a difference.

I have always told others that God has a plan for their lives, something that only they can do, a destiny to fulfill and that I DO believe....for others.Its much harder believing it for myself.
When a few years ago I asked someone in the Church what Gods plan was for my life they said I was already doing it...being a Mum.
But I feel incredibly restless...and I think now that if i was fulfilling totally what God had planned for me then I wouldnt feel this way..wouldnt have the ''There must be more than this...'' line going round in my head.

For me now something is missing...I want so much for God to use me,in some small way to bring hope to someone elses life, I want to make a difference.I dont know how and I fear being judged for wanting that on top of my family but I cant help it.God made me to be a mother but I believe he made me to be ME too with all my dozens of faults and lack of confidence.The only skill I have is a willing heart..I pray that God can use that.

Well thats how I feel .....will I bite the bullet and post it??


Liz said...

You do make a difference Caroline, you make a difference to your childrens lives every day. You inspire others with hope and leave us all i awe of your strength, knowledge and sheer determination. Keep smiling hun xxx

Sara x said...

You make a difference in all you do. But Its not selfish to want something that is just for you. It makes us more well rounded and a better parent.